I think i peed on brittanys purse
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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