I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
