If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
How does one acquire holy water?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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