i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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