i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
