how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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