I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
