Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
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If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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