Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
