Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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