if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
