You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
