apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
