my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
