can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize