i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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