shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
