Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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