My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
