dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
