Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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