lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
