I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize