if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
