u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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