i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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