evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
