I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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