So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
