Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
