she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
