she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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