Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
my being single is dangerous.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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