i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
