If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
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He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
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you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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