the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
