what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I can't turn off my feet"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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