not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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