I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
