Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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