Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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