so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
