The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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