I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
