We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
