Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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