i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
not ubering you a puppy
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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