I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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