I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
