Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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