Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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