I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
