That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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